The State of Things – So Far.

Now that the school year has come to an end for college and university students, it’s time once again to have a look at what I’ve learned from my students. The following “state of things” report is collected from selected passages of student writings containing errors that have resulted in, one hopes, unintended, and often humorous meanings.
So, for instance, on the world stage, there are questions to be asked: “Every day there is hunger and suffering in the world. Millions of people are dying. What’s really going on with the war? Where is Osama?” Where indeed. All we know is that he was “boring into a very large family,” and that the attacks on the Americans “were followed by the Osama Bin Laden decree to kill … any person who had ties and followed the Americans.” Clearly “We are not living up to the rules and guile lines.” Then again, “The need for a black and white world leaves no room for a medium.”
The war in Iraq has dominated the news, especially since “the region was taken over by Islamic surgeons,” after “The war was brought about by what the Muslims call G-Had.” They will “…continue in a violent manor until their goal is achieved,” although “Neither Hamas not Jihad clammed responsibility.” In the end, “Terrorism is not a reason to rage war on terror,” although it “is a problem and is running ramped through the world!” It’s important to note, however, that “Terrorism has gone through changes under many people, one of the largest being Vladimir Illich Lenin.” Hitler, on the other hand “started small, as any other person in the world.” But clearly, “When planes start crashing into buildings, something is obviously wrong.” Remember, though, that “They were not all westerners in that building, out to oppress the world, some were just janitors.”
Closer to home, “The house fire embellished most of the appliances and furniture,” but happily, “Within minutes of the accident, the fire station arrived!” Sadly though, “Obese children are on the rise,” and in the second to last election, “Prime Minister Cretien behaved with extinction.” Bullying continues to be a problem in our schools, and the “Consequences for students who bully will be one day suspension or explosion.” So behave, is clearly the message. Not all politicians understand the importance of behaving well, as a few got into hot water because “There was a problem with a minor miss communication.”
Also, “Today’s society dictates that a beautiful woman is one who is 110 pounds tall…” and “Martha Stewart has broken out into a line of bed linens.” Poor woman – as though things weren’t bad enough. Remember how her trial “…brought Martha Stewart a deformation of character”? On her show, “She watched members of the audience multiply,” perhaps in an effort to increase the number of people watching.
In sports, “The parent was upset about an elbow his son received from another player in a game,” suggesting that some athletes are clearly generous to a fault. Still, “It’s up to high ranking officials to drop the axe on violence in sports.” Perhaps if they weren’t high, they’d come up with a better metaphor. But because the player is a local favourite, “…the Free Press will give him a good clipping in the paper,” which will, almost certainly, do little to reduce the violence.
The real question for our nation is: “In order for our country to advance we need everyone to advance. But how can we when so many are behind?” Whatever the reason for our troubles, there are many who think that “Most of the trouble originated in the Untied States of America because “Canada has had relations with the US for decades…”
Solutions are being sought everywhere, except perhaps, among the “intellectually combatable who tend to coagulate.” The trick this past year was is to maintain an optimistic outlook when listening to politicians, and note that “The speaker used a good mix of self-defecating humour” while the speech was “defiantly full of fact and opinion.” Remember: “If we on this plant don’t work together…” we will continue to be in trouble.
What has been the role of the media in all this? We’ve discovered, for instance, that “Newspapers run just as businesses do: with the bottom line on the table,” which sounds terribly uncomfortable, and may explain all the grumpy editors. The media also “… absorbs people twenty-four hours a day,” and “…has shown a hunger for drowning celebrities in the public eye…” Very small celebrities, one assumes.
Unfortunately, “The news, and the journalists who write it, can’t help but become slanted.” As a result we find that “The words spilled over the page like a bowl of alphabet soup. This makes the reading a little sloppier than it needs to be.” Truer words were never spoken. Keep in mind that “When your life is affected because you are fallowed by reporters, you will change.” Well, who wouldn’t?
All of this can only leave us to ask: “Are we no mare than this?” and most importantly: “Terrorism: Will there never be peas??”
“Have a great weak end!”
The ned.