Documercials and Dramatoonaries
With the advent of anticipating government deregulation, the wild and wacky world of television is about to get a serious boost in its electronic arm.
Thanks to the wizardry of the fairy-folk, gnomes and sprites who work tirelessly in to bring us ever newer, more advanced and continually obsolete technology, it will soon be possible for Canadians to have access to more than 500 channels, and enjoy the same television technology as the Americans.
The benefits of this should be obvious. For one thing, re-runs of Green Acres - the best sitcom EVER - will finally find a channel of its own and get the recognition it deserves. But more importantly, we will no longer have to be satisfied with the current measly thirty or forty channels of infortainment, documercials and dramatoonaries that passes for Canadian television. With a 500+ channel television universe unfolding in our very own living rooms, the possibility for zoning out and tuning in will be limitless.
Of course, It’ll be impossible for Canadian production companies to grind out sufficient programming to fill all these channels. Fortunately, actual original programming won’t be necessary for many of the new channels since they will be so-called "specialty" channels.
A specialty channel is one that airs only a certain kind of programming. There is the comedy channel, for instance, which shows nothing but a steady steam of stand-up comedy acts - a kind of never-ending Seinfeld episode - a sort of entire network devoted to nothing. But what about an all-Disney channel feeding consumers a constant diet of Mickey Mouse entertainment; and several all sports channels devoted to ever lesser-known sports such as Shinty, where people could debate the virtue of the cork and worsted used in the game ball. Along with an all-violence channel and an all sex-sex channel, we might see a Happy Channel with news anchors Regis and Kathy Lee for people who are tired of all the bad news on television.
But that still leaves more than 500 channels unaccounted for. So what else would we like to see? How about a wallpaper channel? A regular feature of the wallpaper channel could be a marriage-counseling segment that would teach people how to hang paper without the aid of a divorce lawyer.
But possibly the most popular new concept would be a channel devoted exclusively to highlighting the lives of people who spend their time watching television. A viewer would be able to click on one of these channels and see someone, possibly even themselves, in the act of watching television.
The Viewer channel would let viewers see someone - let's call him Bob - sitting in his home, watching television. We watch him pick up the remote and change channels, go into the kitchen for a can of beer, eating microwave burritos and flossing his teeth. We will all be amazed at his ability to watch television for so long, and we will be kept glued to the set, wondering what will happen next. Will Bob get dressed today? Will he shower? Who is going to clean up that apartment? Does him mother know he lives like this? Can he possibly have a girl friend? What happened to the gerbil he had yesterday? The suspense! The cult following might eventually rival that of Dallas or Gilligan's Island.
The Viewer channel might even be the kind of thing that would pass for art and quality for a government grant, and it couldn't possibly be any worse than the bass-fishing channel, the all-compost network, or the 24-hour Gregorian Chant Music Network.
Is this a great time to be alive or what?
Thanks to the wizardry of the fairy-folk, gnomes and sprites who work tirelessly in to bring us ever newer, more advanced and continually obsolete technology, it will soon be possible for Canadians to have access to more than 500 channels, and enjoy the same television technology as the Americans.
The benefits of this should be obvious. For one thing, re-runs of Green Acres - the best sitcom EVER - will finally find a channel of its own and get the recognition it deserves. But more importantly, we will no longer have to be satisfied with the current measly thirty or forty channels of infortainment, documercials and dramatoonaries that passes for Canadian television. With a 500+ channel television universe unfolding in our very own living rooms, the possibility for zoning out and tuning in will be limitless.
Of course, It’ll be impossible for Canadian production companies to grind out sufficient programming to fill all these channels. Fortunately, actual original programming won’t be necessary for many of the new channels since they will be so-called "specialty" channels.
A specialty channel is one that airs only a certain kind of programming. There is the comedy channel, for instance, which shows nothing but a steady steam of stand-up comedy acts - a kind of never-ending Seinfeld episode - a sort of entire network devoted to nothing. But what about an all-Disney channel feeding consumers a constant diet of Mickey Mouse entertainment; and several all sports channels devoted to ever lesser-known sports such as Shinty, where people could debate the virtue of the cork and worsted used in the game ball. Along with an all-violence channel and an all sex-sex channel, we might see a Happy Channel with news anchors Regis and Kathy Lee for people who are tired of all the bad news on television.
But that still leaves more than 500 channels unaccounted for. So what else would we like to see? How about a wallpaper channel? A regular feature of the wallpaper channel could be a marriage-counseling segment that would teach people how to hang paper without the aid of a divorce lawyer.
But possibly the most popular new concept would be a channel devoted exclusively to highlighting the lives of people who spend their time watching television. A viewer would be able to click on one of these channels and see someone, possibly even themselves, in the act of watching television.
The Viewer channel would let viewers see someone - let's call him Bob - sitting in his home, watching television. We watch him pick up the remote and change channels, go into the kitchen for a can of beer, eating microwave burritos and flossing his teeth. We will all be amazed at his ability to watch television for so long, and we will be kept glued to the set, wondering what will happen next. Will Bob get dressed today? Will he shower? Who is going to clean up that apartment? Does him mother know he lives like this? Can he possibly have a girl friend? What happened to the gerbil he had yesterday? The suspense! The cult following might eventually rival that of Dallas or Gilligan's Island.
The Viewer channel might even be the kind of thing that would pass for art and quality for a government grant, and it couldn't possibly be any worse than the bass-fishing channel, the all-compost network, or the 24-hour Gregorian Chant Music Network.
Is this a great time to be alive or what?
posted by Millie Beagle at 8:14 am
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